Phoenix Nights Meets Psycho: A Scottish Highlands Fairytale

A Scottish Highlands Fairytale

Once upon a time a boy called Steve went to visit Loch Ness and stayed in a hotel called the “Loch Ness Lodge Hotel” in Drumnadrochit…

He took Greg with him too because Steve doesn’t like travelling alone. It wasn’t quite what Steve expected. He was expecting a nice country manor hotel but it was more like a Phoenix Nights version of Psycho. The Nessie Centre and associated playpark that were outside were not really appealing and quite possibly not entirely safe. The fact that there was a spray painted footprint trail in the car park did not say to Greg or Steve –  “come and visit” but more made them wonder why Nessie only had one foot and why would it leave a green footprint.

The Loch Ness Death Trap

Upon checking in at the reception a funny, lovely lady who was subsequently nicknamed “crazy eyes” popped up from behind a hatch and gave a very scary, but very warm, welcome.

“It’s been a loooong winter” she said as Steve then imagined her sleeping in her little room for the entire off-season months.

The tartan carpets and abundance of wood on the walls leading to the bedroom did not really offend them, however, the musty smell in the bedroom did. In fact it was so strong that it is still offending their suitcases to this very day.

If only fire extinguishers came in tartan, or wood…oh or both!

Not wanting to or perhaps, not able to spend any more time in the bedroom Steve and Greg went to the bar. Going to the bar was not uncommon for Steve and he was actually pretty good at it and he allowed Greg to accompany him. The barman was very friendly and he began to speak to us as soon as he realised we were commenting on the collection of Loch Ness gifts neatly arranged in an old fridge.

Here’s Johnny…

After receiving their drinks Greg and Steve went to sit in a corner of the restaurant but there was something odd about the corner. Not just the fact that there was overpowering 50s music but there was also a little area with gates holding behind it lots of empty boxes and bottles of wine. Steve and Greg decided they wanted somewhere quiet without the risk of being thrown in this dungeon so they moved away from the “wine jail” and sat somewhere else.

A lady, who Steve thought was Mimi McGuire’s much more evil twin came past their table and as she was a rather large lady she somehow got attached to the table cloth and whipped off all the cutlery. Steve wasn’t quite sure if she was doing a magic show or not so he just stayed quiet and pretended he hadn’t noticed while Mimi picked up all the knives and forks whilst swearing like a trooper!

This is what I done to the last person who didn’t help me pick up the cutlery!

The food was only okay but the wine was great. The wine made things seem even more bizarre to Steve as he noticed there were towel rails holding newspapers, “crazy eyes” appeared to be locking people outside and the barman was spraying air freshener whilst sweeping a rug with a broom! Steve shits you not!

The next morning breakfast was served by a Scottish version of Betty White. She ruled that breakfast room like a woman possessed. The little trainee waitresses were trembling with fear…

You bitches better be cooking those sausages!

Well, it was either fear or the fact that “Amazing Grace” had been playing on a loop for the past hour! 13 times, 13 times! Steve likes “Amazing Grace” but on the 14th play Grace is not so much amazing but more like an annoying bitch!

Greg said Steve’s not allowed to book hotels when they go on holidays from now on despite Steve saying that his selection of hotels makes the holiday far more memorable.

All joking aside we had a fab break at this hotel and thanks to all the wonderful staff. Am I writing that just in case they read this? No, because I don’t actually think they would know how to use the Internet.

What about you? Have you had a memorable/weird travel experience? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @SteveSays2014

A Scottish Highlands Fairytale

25 thoughts on “Phoenix Nights Meets Psycho: A Scottish Highlands Fairytale

  1. Ha, love it! I once booked us into a ‘religious cult’ in Wales where there were bible readings at breakfast. Sam said similar to Greg. It must be the birthday twin thing!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha maybe you’ll change your mind if you see the post I done a while ago about a hotel in Stoke. Oh, and I’ve not even mentioned the hotel in Paris where the bedroom had a nautical theme lol

        Liked by 1 person


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